Forgiveness is among the concepts listed in the Introduction (e.g., happiness, freedom, and compassion) that are universally recognized as crucial yet rarely defined and poorly understood. The discrepancy between the significant role that each of these concepts has in the pursuit of happiness and their shallow understanding creates significant practical problems.
The dubious luxury of using words effectively in communication without actually understanding what they mean is made possible by our shared emotional experience. Everyone knows what forgiveness feels like in all its permutations: granting it, withholding it, receiving it, being denied it, yearning for it. Since we all share these emotional experiences, we are able to discuss forgiveness fluently — which reinforces the illusion that we understand what it means. This is a serious problem because relying solely on feelings, i.e., ignoring the cognitive dimension, severely limits our ability to cultivate forgiveness and apply it mindfully. (The problem is compounded when it comes to self-forgiveness. Forgiving oneself for a past injurious act is a distinct undertaking, with its own unique challenges and requirements, discussed in full in the Cultivating Forgiveness chapter in the Practice section.)
Defining a concept is a necessary step toward understanding it. Hence, I searched the psychological and philosophical literature for a satisfying definition of forgiveness, without much to show for my effort. I eventually discovered an excellent definition — on a bumper sticker(!): “Forgiveness is the willingness to give up all hope for a better past.”
This definition captures what forgiveness achieves. A second definition emphasizes the operating mechanism: Forgiveness is a state of mind in which a past injurious act is viewed through the recognition of our shared human capacity for wrongdoing under the influence of suffering. (It is captured in the phrase “There but for the grace of God go I,” which, as discussed in the Practice section, is a mantra for cultivating forgiveness.) The two definitions are complementary: the first points to the destination; the second points to the path.
To pursue happiness effectively, it is necessary to relate to the past — particularly when it includes trauma — in a way that ensures it doesn’t get in the way of moving forward. In other words, the pursuit of happiness requires the ability to let go of the past. Any other relationship with the past, specifically, an attachment to it, is a hindrance. Forgiveness is invaluable because it enables letting go of the past. It is therefore a fundamental requirement for a healthy relationship with one’s history.
A Buddhist story tells of two monks traveling through the countryside. They arrived at a river where an old man sat on the bank. He asked if they would help him cross, and they gladly agreed. One monk helped the old man onto his companion’s shoulders, and they set out across the river.
When the monks stepped into the water, it became apparent that the old man was hysterical and nasty. He started screaming, kicking the monk’s torso, scratching his scalp, and pulling his ears. The monk didn’t respond; he just kept crossing the river. Eventually, the three men reached the other side, where the monk lowered the old man to the ground, wished him a nice day, and walked away with his companion.
After walking in silence for some time, the monk, clearly bothered by the sight of the scratches and bruises his companion had sustained, asked: “Are you really not going to say anything about that nasty old man?” His companion responded: “The old man? I put him down a while back. It seems that you are still carrying him.”
Therein lies the power of forgiveness: it enables letting go of the past and moving forward, liberated from its burden.
The Barriers to Forgiveness
Several broadly held misconceptions reliably derail forgiveness before it begins (as discussed in detail in the Cultivating Forgiveness chapter in the Practice section). The first — and most common — is the belief that forgiving an offense is the same as condoning it. It is not. The difference is the time frame in which the offense happens: Forgiving an act while it is still taking place amounts to condoning it. Forgiveness applies exclusively to acts that are over and done with — acts that firmly belong in the past.
For example, consider an abusive marriage. As long as the abuse is happening, it cannot be forgiven; if it is “forgiven,” it is actually being condoned, even if condoning is unintended and unrecognized as such. The abuse can be forgiven only when it becomes part of the past, when it is no longer occurring. This may take place after the marriage is dissolved, or even after the abuser dies, but the offense must stop to be forgiven — otherwise it is being condoned.
The second misconception is that forgiving means forgetting, as captured by the saying “forgive and forget.” In fact, forgiveness may sharpen the memory of an injurious act because cultivating it requires a close examination of the surrounding circumstances (typically repeatedly). However, forgiveness renders the memory harmless — it drains the energy from it. Think of it as removing the batteries from a device that startles you each time it turns on. The device remains; it simply loses its power to disrupt.
The third misconception is the notion that forgiving is giving up on justice. This is simply not the case. Forgiving is giving up on revenge. Revenge is driven by the wish to observe the offender suffer. Neither the act nor the wish to inflict suffering can support the pursuit of happiness; revenge is therefore worthless. Justice, in comparison, is precious and integral to the pursuit of happiness.
Similarly, the notions that forgiving is a sign of weakness and that it rewards the offender are misguided. In fact, forgiveness is a sign of strength, and its primary beneficiary is the person offering it, not the recipient.
Forgiveness and Trauma
Trauma is universal. Its specific details and magnitude vary greatly, but (as per the First Noble Truth), since suffering is an inseparable part of life, each of us has some past experiences to recover from. Recovery from a traumatic past hinges on letting go of it, which, in my clinical experience, requires forgiveness.
Attachment to a traumatic experience typically causes chronic mental pain (at times without one’s conscious awareness of the connection). This pain can reach a level of intensity that interferes with functioning and requires professional intervention.
The pain caused by traumatic history may be felt continuously or intermittently. If recall of the trauma is persistent, the pain is experienced continuously. Intermittent recall can be worse: Traumatic memories can be pushed out of consciousness (a contested concept sometimes referred to as ‘repressed memories’) and resurface unexpectedly, which is disorienting. Sometimes only the pain appears in consciousness, not the memory itself — a particularly confusing experience.
Re-experiencing past trauma can be triggered by specific reminders (e.g., anniversaries, returning to the location where the trauma occurred) as well as non-specific, seemingly innocuous signals (sounds, smells, sights) that may be linked to the trauma even if not consciously recognized as such (Brewin, 2015; Holmes & Bourne, 2008).
A sudden recall of a traumatic memory is always unsettling and usually painful. Making matters worse, it can cause temporal disorientation — a momentary blurring of the distinction between past and present. This can be understood as a spillage of historical data into the present (making it feel as if it is happening now) or as an extension of the present backward (making a past experience feel current) (van der Kolk, 1994, 2014).
Temporal disorientation is, at best, unpleasant; often it interferes with functioning, at times to a disabling degree. Clinically, it is one of the hallmark symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (American Psychiatric Association, 2022).
In my clinical experience, effective treatment for PTSD requires cultivating forgiveness; without it, PTSD treatment is at best incomplete (and at worst, ineffective).
Forgiveness can disarm traumatic memories and render them harmless. Given that trauma is an inextricable element of the human condition, mastering forgiveness is essential for mental health in general and, in particular, for pursuing happiness effectively.
(This chapter is complementary to the Cultivating Forgiveness chapter in the Practice section.)
REFERENCES
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787
Brewin, C. R. (2015). Re-experiencing traumatic events in PTSD: New avenues in research on intrusive memories and flashbacks. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 6, Article 27180. https://doi.org/10.3402/ejpt.v6.27180
Holmes, E. A., & Bourne, C. (2008). Inducing and modulating intrusive emotional memories: A review of the trauma film paradigm. Acta Psychologica, 127(3), 553–566. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2007.09.002
van der Kolk, B. A. (1994). The body keeps the score: Memory and the evolving psychobiology of posttraumatic stress. Harvard Review of Psychiatry, 1(5), 253–265. https://doi.org/10.3109/10673229409017088
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.